Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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