I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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