Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
