K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
