Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
