You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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