A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
