Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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