Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
