You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize