I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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