This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
