I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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