he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
