this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize