I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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