dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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