At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
