Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
