the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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