from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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