Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
