It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize