she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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