she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Operation Purity has been aborted
i want to swaddle you in tequila
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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