woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
My liver just had a heart attack.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
