Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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