Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
