New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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