is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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