just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
