yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
