you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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