pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
