pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
