I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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