you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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