The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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