I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
