Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
