Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
