You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
and she was petting her beer can
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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