he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
