I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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