I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
