Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
