Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
