Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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