So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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