thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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