I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
