What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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