Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
